so today its actually the last day of september. but its already past midnight. which makes it the first of october.
well, i gave you a deadline. but somehow i knew you wouldnt meet it...

tmr i shall hopefully blog a full length piece of at least how i feel. although ive been wanting to voice it out but im really too tired today. good nights.

it gets really really irritating and it gets on my nerves.
it really does. i'm so pissed off. although its only a small matter.
BAHH.

6 more days to the end of september.
its your choice.
BLAH!
alrights mahjong lost 15 in total.
9 on the first day and 6 on the second.
what does it says?
69 69
bahhh.

yesterday was a cool cool day.
met ahlau at gardens & i finally ate my baked oyster, even though one was not enough but still at least i trieddd! ( :
5.90 you know, how can i ever ever afford two! BAHHH.
i got a stitch lantern for mid autumn festival as well. HAHAHA. with rather cool music, i wonder if i'll even bring it out. LOL!
mahjong & lost.
alright, gonna meet dion later.
& mahjong session! ( :

bahhh. the time is near.
i envy ppl who can speak their hearts out without having to think of what ppl would feel of them or how ppl would react.
ive been trying to keep a diary but too lazy to actually hold a pen and write everything down.
i want to be one of those very open type of person, who can speak their mind straight without having to think or spare a thought for another. i dont know how you would classify this type of people but i personally feel its better than holding your thoughts back and brooding over it. but ooh well, its not that easy i guess. i wasnt brought up in that kind of environment going to an IJ school and stuffs like that. holy innocent? there were ppl like that. i like them. but they themself have already closed up their thoughts. so it goes to say no such thing now. its very hard to keep trying to guess what a particular person is thinking. and its even harder when you ask and you get no replies. it makes you goes arghhh arghh arghhh. especially when youve been thinking and turning in circles about whether to ask or not. and the reply you got is actually nothing. it would have been simpler, if we could all speak out our thoughts without hesitation. its good at least the air is cleared. and things are made very clear. this way, wouldnt it be better?
it would be. becos you'll get down to resolving things from inside. and stop letting it bother you.

bahhh. lets all be open-minded people for one day. could we?

thats my early birthday wish. simple enough.

if only i was half of what you are.
half is satisfactory enough.

DAMN!

you think to stop a habit all it takes is determination.
i have determination, but yet waves crashes in.
and it overpowers my determination.
so tell me, how.

alrights. met mr buddy on sunday night. very very fulfilling talk that we had.
it really makes things much much easier that i dont really have to say how i feel and he knows exactly the way i do just by looking from his perspective and its very much heart warming to at least know that, hey, at least you know someone understands. its just like you dont have to say anything, and the person know exactly how you feel or how youre thinking and you feel that maybe youre less alone. thank you so very much.

i dont really know what to say of you anymore. its not like a kite you know. tugging as and when you want. i dont really know what to think of you either. sometimes i feel youre very... unappreciative and i try not to think about it as far as i can.

family, friends, life, me.

trust.
i think everything revolves around trust. things relating to communication & bonding actually.
not entirely but at least it is one of the few important factors.

my family-
my mum and i havent been on talking terms for almost a month now. and one of the few reasons is related to financial issues once again. and one of the things that i really hate to argue about is money, money & money. calling her only becos i want money, treating her nice only becos i want money. i hate to hear this. becos it goes to show how little and lowdown she actually thinks i am. today, my father called and yell at me over the phone becos of kiwi. my dad pushes the blame to me and my brother deny that he agreed looking over kiwi for me when i went out. okay, thats fine. but i really detest when time and again, threatens are being hurled at me when i fucking did no wrong. time and time again, they threaten to give kiwi away or sell kiwi away or fuck me upside down for mistakes on my bro. why am i always the bad one and my brother the all almighty. its not the first time you know and it just totally pull all my spirits down. and for almost every single day, my dad has been telling me not to be so stubborn. be it relatives, or within the family, i'm always being forced to do the things i dont want to do. when i try expressing my views, it gets cast aside. they say " do you know your mother this...." my dad " you're only a child..." but have anyone ever wondered why i refuse to do so or ask me why. i told my dad, and my dad just say, " its over, only a quarrel" it isnt. its not fair you know. be it between my brother and I or between me and my mother. recently, i've been saving money cutting down on my expenses and the things i spent esp unnecessary expenses. for what you may ask? if money is such a sensitive issue, den i rather earn and spent it my own way. i've been very much of a miser and i've come to despise myself, even so, looking down on the things i do. today at ting house, she cook maggiee noodles for me to eat. even though i noe its out of good intention but it just makes me feel bad about myself. pride has always been a very important thing to me... i dont know how to put it, but i just feel that actually nobody will be there at my toughest moment. i'm just like anyone else, but why is it that my feelings are always placed second to everything. its just like how ting and shaoyin say of daring to do things or saying things at me becos i seem stronger. its as though blows hurled at me doesnt mattter.

friends-
ive read what you wrote. i know how you feel. but it isnt lies like what you think it is. and the reason as to why i dont want to explain becos you'll probably only think that its an excuse to cover things up. but come again, everything happens for a reason. and its just all one huge misunderstanding. i hope you'll understand, its not what you think it is although everything seems to fall into place perfectly.. but well, i guess you wouldnt want to hear explanations either as you've stated but den again if i were you, i would have thought it that way too.
i know you''ll know who you are. and if u wonder why i suddenly say this, im just probably answering as to how you feel becos i feel that youve been wanting to know also. as i know you dont like to fill in the blanks.

life & me-
i think im a difficult person to get along with. and that same issues just seem to keep repeating over and over again. i dunno. perhaps its me & my character. perhaps i cant be trusted. it sucks to feel and think this way but if not, why do SAME issues repeat.
i think i expect too much sometimes. does the problem lie with me.

yesterday i've got to know this girl from work, whom i found rather brave and everything.
at least thats my first impression of her.
her life is really like a very very big roller coaster.
going through child abuse, earning her own living, no money to study, moving house year by year.
in my heart, i really went wow.
and one of the few questions that i actually asked her was,
so i guess you grew up quite independently?
and she replied:
i have no choice do i. everybody thinks that im independent. but in fact, i had to be independant for myself to survive. i wasnt in a situation to choose.
and i kept quiet & agreed silently. and the whole conversation that we had on the bus struck deep within me.

although im more blessed, i was also given a situation whereby i couldnt choose. whereby everything was planned. all alone by one. and without consent by me when it was me it was regarding. i dont have a choice. but i have to accept which i still find it difficult.

goreng pisang. LOL.

the first & last thing on my mind. - MONEY!!
im fucking tired now. goodnight. pray hard. becos im working all the way till next sunday. WHOA WHOA WHOA!

tmr is maths paper, like finally..... after one week of torment. -.-"
i'm proud to say money, money, money is rolling in.
3 jobs this week. WHOA WHOA WHOA!

maybe if i pray hard enough, everything will turn into dust.
maybe.

i hope everyday wont be like today.
becos from the moment i woke up until now, i've been feeling so terrible.
i dont know how i'm going to pass the exam on weds.
i'm so tired. i want to break down....

september is always the hardest month to pass.
wake me up when september ends.

stop it, stop it, stop it.
close? i recieve fucks like all the time.

i guess the next few posts will be very depressing, so... ya.
i actually hate pessimistic ppl & ppl who are often depressed a lot. but well, i'm actually one of them now. today is the day i've been dreading a lot. i thought things went well initially, but i realised actually no. i thought i could sleep the day away, but after bathing i feel so awake & i just can't feel any source of tiredness within me. i feel lousy and i know that for a very long time, i've been trying to cast these thoughts as far away from me as possible but you know sometimes life really makes a fool of you. everything just seems to ZOOM in all at one go. and in fact i'm afraid to not over-tire myself, becos i know if i do not, i'll probably just keep thinking & thinking. and for the past nights it has been this way, bus journeys, even when i'm talking. i hate this side of me, becos i hate not knowing what to do, how to react, or even so how to handle. and i can only say again & again, i feel so lost. & seriously, the thought of dying has crossed my mind countless of times. i feel that i have nothing. easily forgotten, easily taken something as i'm obliged to. of cos, i don't feel that way for no reason. i just feel like going away, far away... i'm sorry for losing my patience with people around me these days, but just something tells me that i should stop. and i'm sorry for not wanting to say anything, becos i'll be honest, i don't dare to trust someone fully. yes, i don't dare. i trusted 110% but look at how things ended up. this time round, even qiao en shows has failed to cheer me up.

did you realised.
sy was here.