i guess the next few posts will be very depressing, so... ya.
i actually hate pessimistic ppl & ppl who are often depressed a lot. but well, i'm actually one of them now. today is the day i've been dreading a lot. i thought things went well initially, but i realised actually no. i thought i could sleep the day away, but after bathing i feel so awake & i just can't feel any source of tiredness within me. i feel lousy and i know that for a very long time, i've been trying to cast these thoughts as far away from me as possible but you know sometimes life really makes a fool of you. everything just seems to ZOOM in all at one go. and in fact i'm afraid to not over-tire myself, becos i know if i do not, i'll probably just keep thinking & thinking. and for the past nights it has been this way, bus journeys, even when i'm talking. i hate this side of me, becos i hate not knowing what to do, how to react, or even so how to handle. and i can only say again & again, i feel so lost. & seriously, the thought of dying has crossed my mind countless of times. i feel that i have nothing. easily forgotten, easily taken something as i'm obliged to. of cos, i don't feel that way for no reason. i just feel like going away, far away... i'm sorry for losing my patience with people around me these days, but just something tells me that i should stop. and i'm sorry for not wanting to say anything, becos i'll be honest, i don't dare to trust someone fully. yes, i don't dare. i trusted 110% but look at how things ended up. this time round, even qiao en shows has failed to cheer me up.

did you realised.
sy was here.