family, friends, life, me.

trust.
i think everything revolves around trust. things relating to communication & bonding actually.
not entirely but at least it is one of the few important factors.

my family-
my mum and i havent been on talking terms for almost a month now. and one of the few reasons is related to financial issues once again. and one of the things that i really hate to argue about is money, money & money. calling her only becos i want money, treating her nice only becos i want money. i hate to hear this. becos it goes to show how little and lowdown she actually thinks i am. today, my father called and yell at me over the phone becos of kiwi. my dad pushes the blame to me and my brother deny that he agreed looking over kiwi for me when i went out. okay, thats fine. but i really detest when time and again, threatens are being hurled at me when i fucking did no wrong. time and time again, they threaten to give kiwi away or sell kiwi away or fuck me upside down for mistakes on my bro. why am i always the bad one and my brother the all almighty. its not the first time you know and it just totally pull all my spirits down. and for almost every single day, my dad has been telling me not to be so stubborn. be it relatives, or within the family, i'm always being forced to do the things i dont want to do. when i try expressing my views, it gets cast aside. they say " do you know your mother this...." my dad " you're only a child..." but have anyone ever wondered why i refuse to do so or ask me why. i told my dad, and my dad just say, " its over, only a quarrel" it isnt. its not fair you know. be it between my brother and I or between me and my mother. recently, i've been saving money cutting down on my expenses and the things i spent esp unnecessary expenses. for what you may ask? if money is such a sensitive issue, den i rather earn and spent it my own way. i've been very much of a miser and i've come to despise myself, even so, looking down on the things i do. today at ting house, she cook maggiee noodles for me to eat. even though i noe its out of good intention but it just makes me feel bad about myself. pride has always been a very important thing to me... i dont know how to put it, but i just feel that actually nobody will be there at my toughest moment. i'm just like anyone else, but why is it that my feelings are always placed second to everything. its just like how ting and shaoyin say of daring to do things or saying things at me becos i seem stronger. its as though blows hurled at me doesnt mattter.

friends-
ive read what you wrote. i know how you feel. but it isnt lies like what you think it is. and the reason as to why i dont want to explain becos you'll probably only think that its an excuse to cover things up. but come again, everything happens for a reason. and its just all one huge misunderstanding. i hope you'll understand, its not what you think it is although everything seems to fall into place perfectly.. but well, i guess you wouldnt want to hear explanations either as you've stated but den again if i were you, i would have thought it that way too.
i know you''ll know who you are. and if u wonder why i suddenly say this, im just probably answering as to how you feel becos i feel that youve been wanting to know also. as i know you dont like to fill in the blanks.

life & me-
i think im a difficult person to get along with. and that same issues just seem to keep repeating over and over again. i dunno. perhaps its me & my character. perhaps i cant be trusted. it sucks to feel and think this way but if not, why do SAME issues repeat.
i think i expect too much sometimes. does the problem lie with me.